i think i'm getting depressed over my knee condition. i've been so drained over the past six weeks, that all i want to do every night is go home and sleep. i don't want to hang out with people - thinking about hanging out with a large crowd of people scares and tires me. heck, olivia came home this week and i've already turned down hanging out with her for two nights because i just want to go home. i think i've cried more in the past six weeks than literally probably in the last 10 years combined (and the last 10 years include my first ACL surgery). my knee is still swollen, it hurts to walk on it, pt has been discouraging, this whole experience has just been so tough.

i can't believe something like the physical condition of my knee can affect me so much, but it has. i'm just exhausted. God, i just want a new knee that works. please?

i was going to post an im conversation with peter about drew, but peter seemed so genuinely scared that drew would bash him into pieces, that i decided not to.

updates on my goals:
goal 1: completed
goal 2: uh, kinda completed? basically it depends if the PT hits that nerve problem. if i don't encounter it, i'm fine. if i do, then i'm screwed.
goal 3: finally completed. they measured me at 103 degrees on tuesday.
goal 4: 103 is still a long ways off from 140+...
goal 5: still swollen
goal 6: i can lift it somewhat, although it's pretty sad. but if my leg is propped on a chair, i still need my other leg or my hands to bring it off. i don't have the muscle to control it on its own (ie if i tried to take my leg off the chair itself, it'll just come crashing down)
goal 7: yeah
goal 8: now that olivia is home, my master plan has been ruined. the whole point was to get her dad to buy it for her as a surprise because i know if she knew about it she wouldn't want it. but don't worry, i have backup plans in the works... who could turn down that puppy??
goal 9: still working on it. drew refuses to cook.

updates on my goals below:

goal 1: completed
goal 2: yeah, not there yet. i only cry (tear, whatever) when they try to bend my knee back when i'm lying on my stomach. when i get that horrible shooting pain down my entire leg. all the other pain is manageable to me.
goal 3: didn't get there on thursday. next pt appt is tomorrow.
goal 4: see above
goal 5: still swollen
goal 6: it's getting easier for me to move my leg around on its own
goal 7: uh, yeah
goal 8: i asked her dad again this morning to double check since she's coming home tomorrow (yay!). he said, "ok. i'll get her a bull dog." hrm...
goal 9: has been changed to have drew cook for ME in august. just no chicken gizzards, please.

by the way - guess who my family & i ran into after dinner last night?

let's just say... i found out what hotel newlyweds jenny & andy were staying at! hahahaha. we were probably the last people on earth andy wanted to run into the day after his wedding, during his "honeymoon." the restaurant we ate at was in a hotel, and i guess andy had gone next door to armadillo willy's to bring food back to jenny, who i assume was in their room somewhere in that hotel. yeah, that was highly entertaining.

goal 1: start driving
status: completed

goal 2: don't cry during PT
status: not even close

goal 3: be able to bend my knee 90 degrees
status: almost there. they measured me at 86 degrees yesterday, but that's only after the pt pushed me to my extreme limit. my knee is so sore today, i've probably digressed.

goal 4: have full range of motion in my knee
status: not even close. the pt said i have full extension but my muscles aren't strong enough for me to actually extend it on my own. when i try to do it myself, i'm at 10 degrees. bending it... well, i'm working on it (see goal 3).

goal 5: get my right knee down to the same size as my left knee
status: i don't really know what to do with this one. knee is still swollen, but i've been icing it everyday.

goal 6: be able to lift my leg on its own (ie don't use hands or hook my left leg underneath the right to lift it up)
status: yesterday i was at least able to do straight leg raises, although i couldn't lift it high or hold it long. today my knee and muscles are SO sore, i can't do it anymore.

goal 7: have complete, rehabbed knee
status: heh. ask me in a year.

goal 8: convince olivia's dad to get her this as a graduation present as a surprise when she gets back from mozambique/baltimore so that i can play with it all the time
status: im'd with her dad and he said "ok" but i have a feeling he's not taking me too seriously...

the offer below has now expired.

because guess what.

for the first time in literally exactly one month...

I DROVE! i'm back in the car, baby! took my car around the block, and felt pretty comfortable, could brake with my right foot, but still had my left foot on the pedal just in case.

unfortunately i also accidentally keyed my car because i was holding my keys in my hand while manuvering out of my car with my crutches :( but i'm so excited about having the freedom to drive myself around, that i don't really care. it's a pretty big scratch, but i have so many scratches and dings in my car already anyway. and at least now i get to protect my car (er... from other people and cars, not from myself) since i'll get to park in handicap for a good 5 months.

woohooo! congratumalate me people!!

anyone need to be at jenny/andy's wedding - say, around 1:30pm? not sure if i'll be able to drive by then.

as a reward, at the very crowded, very impossible for even one car to find a parking space ranch 99 plaza (where 300 more people will be looking for parking b/c of the wedding), you won't have to worry cuz you'll get to park in the handicap spot!

NOW who wants to take me?

or maybe i'll be able to drive by then and will reap the rewards myself...

went to the doctor this morning in fear because i knew he would harp on me based on the condition of my knee. and of course he did. basically he told me to bite the bullet, push through the pain, and get my range of motion back ASAP because the window for me to recover fully without consequences (ie like my left knee) is closing fast. :( boo. getting a cadaver certainly isn't helping in my recovery this time... it's worse!

anyway, i've been such a downer in my last couple of posts regarding my knee, so today i'll focus on the ways God has blessed me with such great people who have helped me tremendously through this tough month. there are too many people to name, but they include my coworker who has driven me to & from work everyday for the past two weeks, my roommates for putting up with my mess and having to do so much for me (even little things like putting a dish away), my coworkers who have to walk soooo slowly with me to meetings and the cafeteria and who have to carry my stuff and help me get lunch, etc, and lots of other people who have driven me various places, helped carry my stuff, etc. thanks to all of you because i could not have survived this month otherwise!

first on my agenda is to get driving again. my poor car misses me.

well, i was insistent on seeing if i could drive this week, so on monday night i hopped over to the car and sat in my car with the intent of driving around the block to see how much i could handle. so i managed to get in and shut my car door. i sat there for about a minute, and then got back out without even turning the car on or opening the garage door. there's no way i'm even close to driving yet.

i went to my first PT appt yesterday. i took vicodin before going and it still hurt like mad. the pt said i'm in pretty bad condition, i have a whopping 10 degree (when trying to straighten) to 50 degree (when trying to bend) range. that's pretty horrible. the knee is still swollen and my scars are still very sensitive. i thought it'd be easier this time around, with using a cadaver and rehabbing my knee completely before going into surgery, but for some reason i feel like this has been a more painful experience than last time. i get this horrible shooting pain from the right side of my knee to my toes when i try to turn my knee inward (ie trying to sleep on my left side) or when i massage the scar on the very far right or the area around it. not sure what's causing it, but it HURTS.

seriously. i'm never skiing again. this is not worth it.

i survived my trip to LA!

actually it was quite easy to fly - i got a wheelchair at the curb, and from there it was a snap. i got to skip all the security lines (since i couldn't walk through the metal detector, they took me through the side and patted me down), and got to pre-board first, so i got the front row and two seats (one for me to prop my knee on). so it turned out better than i thought. thanks to joy who had to drag my crutches and bag all around the airport while the southwest guys pushed me in the wheelchair.

and thanks to jean & joe who let me stay with them this weekend. and jean who kept trying to massage my scars on my knee until i finally protected my knee from her fingers (it hurts! stay away from my knee!)

dave & christina's wedding was beautiful - good combination of american-style wedding but chinese food. also got to see some old buddies.

all the pics are here.

a preview of just a few of the pics:

dave & christina's outdoor wedding:



the customary cake picture:



our table:



with the bride and groom:



also got to see reni, maurice, and baby beth! unfortunately, i didn't get any pics because i forgot to bring my camera in. but hopefully reni will post the pics she took.

here's the link to the pics again.

me: jean lin!
jean: that's dr. jean lin - hehehe

graduations have come and gone, i get to see Jean this weekend in LA (if i make it down there... not looking so great at the moment) when we go to dave's wedding, O comes back in 3 weeks after mozambique, and Ev is coming home today (wahoo!).

joe is a'comin home!

*before you flip out and ask who joe is, think hard. JOE.